there's no new thing like a new thing. like a new fling, like a new ring? ring ding ding?
whhhhateevver.

You can't honestly sit there and tell me that connections, albeit brief or otherwise, don't leave you feeling just a tad bit overwhelmed with possibilities.

I smoke too many cigarettes, I sit here and smoke way way way too many cigarettes. and I think about the lighting and how carefully placed I make my hands. and how often no one cares to notice the effort I make when placing said hands. or when placing anything else, for the record.
no no. it's all chance, and coincidence. and how the things I know are the things you know but that's as far as it seems to go.
but I wish for a second, sipping cider out-the-can. I wish so briefly that I could stagger towards your mouth with the appropriate rhyme and reason and complications that would make you be that one person who does take notice.

dot dot dot.

Saturday. It's sometime past 3am. I know this because my eyes are hurting from having contacts in all day. Sarah is sitting next to me on top of a mountain of stairs, chain smoking with me while I try to ring out some of the days anxieties. Sarah, she reminds me so much of me sometimes that I think it must be impossible for us both to exist at the same time. but somehow we do.
I've had too much drink. I've forgotten what this is like. I've forgotten how much I hate it.
people keep passing by, stumbling here and there. talking to each other, to themselves. Everyone seems in good spirits. Apparently they haven't been given the memo on the fact that I'm in a bad mood, and they shouldn't be enjoying anything while I'm being pissy. why doesn't the world work this way?

I can't fully remember why I'm in a bad mood. other than the drinking. maybe it's because I feel like a dick. or I acted like a dick. or both. Maybe I'm just tired. or questioning too many things at once. regardless, I'm just annoyed.

Where do I begin?
the simplest way would be at the beginning right? but I don't know where one place ends and the other begins. because it's all an amalgamated mesh of tiny little memories fixating themselves and projecting themselves and perfecting themselves in my cerebrum. I can't compete with memories anymore. nor can I compete with myself much anymore. so I guess this is the begining.