This blog will probably serve more to my babble musings and day to day rambling (as can be seen in previous posts) than to much else. but with the current results of the Canadian election I've found myself more and more drawn to it's world and educating myself on it as much as I can. However, I am still me. and if you know me, you know that I try to find the humor, or silver lining, in every situation. Including the election.
Some of you are probably visiting this from facebook, meaning you have probably already read this. But for the sake of my renewed decision to write more and have it reach a wider audience if possible, I am posting it here as well.
Now that the election is complete, I know that myself, as well as millions of other Canadian citizens are asking themselves the same question.
Why CAN’T Canadian politics be as easy as sparkling vampires? (aka twilight)
Today I am here to answer that question.
For the sake of this analysis let me advise the following
The representative for the conservative party, aka Stephen Harper will be now referred to as Jacob Black
The representative for the NDP party, aka Jack Layton will now be referred to as Edward Cullen
The Canadian citizens will be known as Bella Swan
subsequent characters will be as follows;
Bloc rep Gilles Duceppe – James
Green party rep Elizabeth May – Alice Cullen
Liberal Leader Micheal ignatieff – Mike Newton
Unnamed reps for the independent parties – Jessica/Angela
Let’s start at the beginning. Bella (the Canadian people) are feeling a bit shaken up since their whole word recently got turned upside down (news of the election)
Bella has been used to the sunny warm weather of Arizona (minority government) And now has to live out her life in the rain drenched darkness of Forks Washington.
Upon her arrival to this new and unknown land Bella is introduce to a smiling and handsome man named Jacob. It’s brought to our attention that Jacob has been in bella’s life for quite some time, in fact, they used to make mud pies together (awww) and he is now in her life to give her the present of a new vehicle, a symbol of his generosity (5% gst) instantly bella trusts Jacob, trusts that he is a good and caring man. She offers to drive him to school, but he declines. He is not a part of the Forks school division, and prefers to gain his knowledge in a private school that only other members of his community are allowed to go to (the alliance church)
Bella, once at school, has the chance to meet Edward. A brootish handsom man who instantly takes her breath away and enlists a feeling within bella of great acceptance (Civil rights for all!) Her friends Jessica and Angela warn her against Edward, they say things like she should stay away from him, and to not even bother because he believes he is too good for everyone (low brow attempts to smear Layton by the independent parties) Though their first encounter together is a bit rough Bella feels drawn to him despite the peer pressure to ignore his existence.
Bella then is introduced to Mike, a shy and well manned young lad with a pleasant smile and a charm of his own. Instantly Mike is drawn to Bella and vows to himself to make her his ladyfriend. Unbeknownst to Mike, he’s the biggest creeper alive and has zero chance. (do I really need to remind you that he is ignateiff?)
Bella’s new friends decide it’s time to have a social gathering and invite bella, she accepts the offer. Edward is ask to join too, but since no one really cares about Alice, she is left out (the debate and how May wasn’t invited) As bella is starting to enjoy her time being spent with new friends and new ideas, Jacob shows up and fills Bella’s head with historical stories about Edward that make Edward look bad, he continues advising her that he himself comes from wolves and is all big and strong and awesome, and that Edward is a big ole doodie head. (again, as a reminder, the debate.)
Meanwhile Edward is consistent in his inconsistency and makes attempts to befriend Bella, only to say the wrong thing and push her away again. Bella is confused. Then fate steps in and Edward has the chance to save Bella’s life by keeping her out of harm’s way when a van come crashing towards her (see health care reform)
With this new development that Edward is inhumanly fast and life saving, Bella makes the decision to find out the truth about him for herself, objectively. So she sets her sights on new knowledge, she even buys a book that describes Edwards’s type. Its then she realizes that Edward is a VAMPIRE! (A DEMOCRAT!)
Bella goes straight to Edward to confirm her suspicion and he acknowledges that she is right. He is in fact a sparkling pretty boy vampire. But that’s not all. Not only can he zoom around like a nascar driver, he is also capable of attracting humans with his stunning good looks, charming smile and fancy smell (Creating new jobs, caring about the environment, improving accessibility and affordability to child care and post secondary education. )
Plus HELLLOOOO!!!!! HE FUCKING SPARKLES!!
There is no denying it now. Bella has fallen for Edward, she chooses him to be her mate. (NDP NDP NDP!)
Meanwhile, as their romance continues to blossom, Bella is also introduced to Alice. Since she was never invited to take part in the social gathering, Bella isn’t quite sure who she is. A charming bubbly woman who can see the future (if anyone is going to develop a skill for seeing the future, let’s be realistic people, it’s going to be Elizabeth May)
Alice is open minded and fun. She literally bounces from place to place spreading her joy to the masses. And she takes quite the liking to Bella, as Bella does to her. They become instant friends. Though Bella’s devotion still lies with Edward, she can appreciate all that Alice has to offer, and should Edward ever take a stake to the heart, you can damn well bet bella would dyke out with Alice. (I’d pay to see that)
Edward decides he is going to invite bella out with his family, he arranges the time but just then Jacob shows up, a complication. Edward, not fully wishing to start a fight with Jacob leaves Bella to herself while contemplating what to do. (the decision is yours Canada)
And what would anyone do?
PLAY BASEBALL!
Edward and Alice are both playing nice on the same team, and this is when James comes a knocking . James is a pompous man who relays on his coven to keep him alive, and believes with his whole heart that he and his friends are better off without all those other vampires (bloc is pretty pompous. And separatist. I’m making this too easy.) but he and his coven rekon that they should all get along for a little while and play a game of ball, to which they agree (non confidence vote!!)
Though Bella is there at the game in all her glory, she is pushed to the far back of the priority list and told to hide. (Though it’s spun to seem like they all got together to force an election for the good of the Canadian people, it’s mostly about who has the bigger bat….that’s a euphemism for cock for those of you who didn’t get it.)
But backfire! James soon realizes that Bella has sworn her loyalties to Edward. And He is having none of that. James spends a large amount of his next few days tracking Bella down (campaigning, do I really need to keep pointing this out? Do you get it yet?) Bella tries to divert him by leaving Edward briefly to join the ranks of Alice, but soon realizes that if she is going to stop James and his attempts to kill her she will have to do some personal sacrifice to appease James. (Listening to his ramblings about the bloc still being a good idea)
Edward, sensing the urgency and danger Bella is about to face, races to her side, as does Alice, to aide in the destruction of James. And together they succeed! TEAR APART THE BODY AND BURN THE PIECES! (umm hi. The bloc got 4 seats. That’s pretty much death if ever I’ve seen it. And Duceppe (which, for the record, when I say his name out loud I say it like Duce-pee-pee) resigned. ) byee byee BLOC! Err james..yes. James.
In the end Bella chooses Edward (NDP becomes the opposition).
But the story isn’t complete there. Oh no. because Meanwhile, Jacob gets a stupid haircut (is still prime minister), loses all desire to ever wear a shirt (a majority government) and does inappropriate things with Bella’s child (remember that video of Harper singing "imagine" with a small child? That shit isn’t right.)
And he’s STILL a whiny little bitch. (this statement stands true without the comparison brackets)
Ps. Mike realized he was a douche and moved on to someone with limited intelligence. IE the people who ever voted liberal to begin with (buh bye ignateiff!)
Thus concludes my rendition of political similarities between the Canadian election and Twilight.
see? it is as easy as sparkling vampires.
Why CAN’T Canadian politics be as easy as sparkling vampires? (aka twilight)
Today I am here to answer that question.
For the sake of this analysis let me advise the following
The representative for the conservative party, aka Stephen Harper will be now referred to as Jacob Black
The representative for the NDP party, aka Jack Layton will now be referred to as Edward Cullen
The Canadian citizens will be known as Bella Swan
subsequent characters will be as follows;
Bloc rep Gilles Duceppe – James
Green party rep Elizabeth May – Alice Cullen
Liberal Leader Micheal ignatieff – Mike Newton
Unnamed reps for the independent parties – Jessica/Angela
Let’s start at the beginning. Bella (the Canadian people) are feeling a bit shaken up since their whole word recently got turned upside down (news of the election)
Bella has been used to the sunny warm weather of Arizona (minority government) And now has to live out her life in the rain drenched darkness of Forks Washington.
Upon her arrival to this new and unknown land Bella is introduce to a smiling and handsome man named Jacob. It’s brought to our attention that Jacob has been in bella’s life for quite some time, in fact, they used to make mud pies together (awww) and he is now in her life to give her the present of a new vehicle, a symbol of his generosity (5% gst) instantly bella trusts Jacob, trusts that he is a good and caring man. She offers to drive him to school, but he declines. He is not a part of the Forks school division, and prefers to gain his knowledge in a private school that only other members of his community are allowed to go to (the alliance church)
Bella, once at school, has the chance to meet Edward. A brootish handsom man who instantly takes her breath away and enlists a feeling within bella of great acceptance (Civil rights for all!) Her friends Jessica and Angela warn her against Edward, they say things like she should stay away from him, and to not even bother because he believes he is too good for everyone (low brow attempts to smear Layton by the independent parties) Though their first encounter together is a bit rough Bella feels drawn to him despite the peer pressure to ignore his existence.
Bella then is introduced to Mike, a shy and well manned young lad with a pleasant smile and a charm of his own. Instantly Mike is drawn to Bella and vows to himself to make her his ladyfriend. Unbeknownst to Mike, he’s the biggest creeper alive and has zero chance. (do I really need to remind you that he is ignateiff?)
Bella’s new friends decide it’s time to have a social gathering and invite bella, she accepts the offer. Edward is ask to join too, but since no one really cares about Alice, she is left out (the debate and how May wasn’t invited) As bella is starting to enjoy her time being spent with new friends and new ideas, Jacob shows up and fills Bella’s head with historical stories about Edward that make Edward look bad, he continues advising her that he himself comes from wolves and is all big and strong and awesome, and that Edward is a big ole doodie head. (again, as a reminder, the debate.)
Meanwhile Edward is consistent in his inconsistency and makes attempts to befriend Bella, only to say the wrong thing and push her away again. Bella is confused. Then fate steps in and Edward has the chance to save Bella’s life by keeping her out of harm’s way when a van come crashing towards her (see health care reform)
With this new development that Edward is inhumanly fast and life saving, Bella makes the decision to find out the truth about him for herself, objectively. So she sets her sights on new knowledge, she even buys a book that describes Edwards’s type. Its then she realizes that Edward is a VAMPIRE! (A DEMOCRAT!)
Bella goes straight to Edward to confirm her suspicion and he acknowledges that she is right. He is in fact a sparkling pretty boy vampire. But that’s not all. Not only can he zoom around like a nascar driver, he is also capable of attracting humans with his stunning good looks, charming smile and fancy smell (Creating new jobs, caring about the environment, improving accessibility and affordability to child care and post secondary education. )
Plus HELLLOOOO!!!!! HE FUCKING SPARKLES!!
There is no denying it now. Bella has fallen for Edward, she chooses him to be her mate. (NDP NDP NDP!)
Meanwhile, as their romance continues to blossom, Bella is also introduced to Alice. Since she was never invited to take part in the social gathering, Bella isn’t quite sure who she is. A charming bubbly woman who can see the future (if anyone is going to develop a skill for seeing the future, let’s be realistic people, it’s going to be Elizabeth May)
Alice is open minded and fun. She literally bounces from place to place spreading her joy to the masses. And she takes quite the liking to Bella, as Bella does to her. They become instant friends. Though Bella’s devotion still lies with Edward, she can appreciate all that Alice has to offer, and should Edward ever take a stake to the heart, you can damn well bet bella would dyke out with Alice. (I’d pay to see that)
Edward decides he is going to invite bella out with his family, he arranges the time but just then Jacob shows up, a complication. Edward, not fully wishing to start a fight with Jacob leaves Bella to herself while contemplating what to do. (the decision is yours Canada)
And what would anyone do?
PLAY BASEBALL!
Edward and Alice are both playing nice on the same team, and this is when James comes a knocking . James is a pompous man who relays on his coven to keep him alive, and believes with his whole heart that he and his friends are better off without all those other vampires (bloc is pretty pompous. And separatist. I’m making this too easy.) but he and his coven rekon that they should all get along for a little while and play a game of ball, to which they agree (non confidence vote!!)
Though Bella is there at the game in all her glory, she is pushed to the far back of the priority list and told to hide. (Though it’s spun to seem like they all got together to force an election for the good of the Canadian people, it’s mostly about who has the bigger bat….that’s a euphemism for cock for those of you who didn’t get it.)
But backfire! James soon realizes that Bella has sworn her loyalties to Edward. And He is having none of that. James spends a large amount of his next few days tracking Bella down (campaigning, do I really need to keep pointing this out? Do you get it yet?) Bella tries to divert him by leaving Edward briefly to join the ranks of Alice, but soon realizes that if she is going to stop James and his attempts to kill her she will have to do some personal sacrifice to appease James. (Listening to his ramblings about the bloc still being a good idea)
Edward, sensing the urgency and danger Bella is about to face, races to her side, as does Alice, to aide in the destruction of James. And together they succeed! TEAR APART THE BODY AND BURN THE PIECES! (umm hi. The bloc got 4 seats. That’s pretty much death if ever I’ve seen it. And Duceppe (which, for the record, when I say his name out loud I say it like Duce-pee-pee) resigned. ) byee byee BLOC! Err james..yes. James.
In the end Bella chooses Edward (NDP becomes the opposition).
But the story isn’t complete there. Oh no. because Meanwhile, Jacob gets a stupid haircut (is still prime minister), loses all desire to ever wear a shirt (a majority government) and does inappropriate things with Bella’s child (remember that video of Harper singing "imagine" with a small child? That shit isn’t right.)
And he’s STILL a whiny little bitch. (this statement stands true without the comparison brackets)
Ps. Mike realized he was a douche and moved on to someone with limited intelligence. IE the people who ever voted liberal to begin with (buh bye ignateiff!)
Thus concludes my rendition of political similarities between the Canadian election and Twilight.
see? it is as easy as sparkling vampires.
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